TV with Dianne Butler

This week's top TV viewing. Source: National Features

SETTLE in for some quality television viewing this week. Di Butler has handpicked 21 shows to entertain all types.

Tuesday 26 February

* NEIGHBOURS,
Eleven, 6.30pm
Rating: 3/5

SONYA might have to be careful - her mother-in-law Angie's done time on Prisoner. She'll know how to make a weapon out of soap. If it comes to that. I'm saying nothing. Except this: There's an incident tonight, and it involves pills. Sheila, Kyle's grandmother, also did a stretch in Wentworth prison. And now Mason Turner's arrived, fresh out of juvie, and already he's hooking people up with "storm-damaged" cars from "Queensland". Sure, we're all for rehabilitation, but there is a limit. Especially where real estate prices are concerned. One thing though, Ajay and Priya don't need to do a property settlement just yet.

* FAMILY GUY,
7mate, 8.30pm
Rating: 4/5

STEWIE brings a turtle home, a plucky companion he names Sheldon. There are repercussions. It's Lois's birthday - surprise! - there's a party. Peter makes a speech that mentions "just the right amount of drunk", leading to a spree of hair extensions and body con outfits for Lois and a parable from Johnny Depp as Edward Scissorhands. Apparently Justin Bieber's world tour includes the Quahog Civic Centre.

* NCIS,
Channel 10, 8.30pm
Rating: 2.5/5

DINOZZO'S father (Robert Wagner) is coming to town for a conciliatory Christmas. Tony couldn't be less happy. NCIS also has to cram in the case of the dead navy husband, a shiftless drunk whose wife - just back from the Gulf - hates him and would be a suspect if she wasn't an unimpeachable commander. In a festive touch, the victim's name is Noel. Motive: the new $100 bill in Noel's pocket that wasn't even in circulation.

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Wednesday 27 February

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* MR & MRS MURDER,
Channel 10, 8.30pm
Rating: 3.5/5

REMEMBER Drew Barrymore in the first Scream movie? Killed off very early in the piece? We've got that here. Just as famous. Almost. Then dead. That's all I'll say. The murder weapon is a dog, a lot of blood involved. Nicola has what she describes as a "rational fear" stemming from a childhood incident in a park, the dog took hold of Chrissie by the face. Plenty of suspects tonight. Kate Ritchie, nothing Sally from Home and Away about her in this. Eve from the Dog Lover Action Group. Anyone. Obviously we know it was the dog. I mean who opened the door for him.

* FASHION POLICE: THE 2013 ACADEMY AWARDS,
E! Foxtel, 9.30pm (Qld, 8.30pm)
Rating: 4/5

SEVERAL major stars will come under intense glare tonight in the wake of some erratic choices in the lead up to Monday's seminal event on the trophy calendar. Exhibit A: Best actress nominee (and Fashion Police Worst Dressed winner) Jessica Chastain, whose Golden Globes dress Joan Rivers called Zero Droop Saggy. And Anne Hathaway. The top looked like a cast, Rivers said.

* WILDEST LATIN AMERICA,
SBS One, 7.30pm
Rating: 4/5

WETLAND sounds so much nicer than swamp, but Pantanal actually means swamp. For a wetland, the world's biggest, you should see how dry it gets. Crazy, when you think explorers first thought it was an inland sea. Tonight's stars range from the incredible, (150 caiman per sq km 35 million in all), to the stunning hyacinth macaws and 100kg jaguars. There are also people, but you can see them anywhere.

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Thursday 28 February

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* MAKING COUPLES HAPPY,
ABC1, 8.30pm
Rating: 3/5

ONE episode to go and still plenty of problems to iron out. For instance: Laney and Darren's therapy includes Laney relinquishing housework to see if Darren knows what a washing machine does. She gets home after being away overnight to find yoghurt open on the kitchen bench and a sausage on the floor and underpants she deliberately left out still where they were two days before. John the therapist talks Darren through the link between housework and a dead marriage, and he just looks at him like his eyes are made of buttons. I'll say nothing about the sex drawings, they'll be a nice surprise.

* HOT PROPERTY,
Channel 9, 8pm
Rating: 3/5

YOU'D be hanging onto this place a bit longer wouldn't you? A Potts Point unit in the middle of Sydney bought in 1998 for $228,000? The couple, Bruce and Helen, want the money to put into their online clock business. Please, keep the unit! The other one is a house at Kiels Mountain, in the Sunshine Coast hinterland. It belonged to June Canavan, a doctor and philanthropist who was killed in a plane crash in PNG in 2009.

* GRAND DESIGNS UK 100TH EPISODE,
Lifestyle Channel, 8.30pm (Qld 7.30pm)
Rating: 3.5/5

LEIGH and Graham aren't sure if their 1867 water tower is eight or 10 storeys. Or how much their project's going to cost. (They pay someone more than $10,000 just to clear out the dead pigeons). Leigh: "What's the worst that can happen, I go bankrupt or I jump off the top of it?" He's actually laughing when he says this. Kevin says he's never seen a job so daunting and terrifying.

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Friday 1 March

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* DUST BOWL,
SBS One, 8.35pm
Rating: 4/5

I REALISE this is a hard sell, but quite apart from the frightening beauty of this Ken Burns (left) series, you may find the story of how clearing of millions of acres of grassland, over-farming and shonky real estate development helped bring about years of catastrophic weather still resonates today. This was politics and the environment clashing in the most horrific way. Dust storms, a 10-year drought, grasshopper plagues, the Great Depression. It seems biblical, says narrator Peter Coyote. The dust storm footage is startling, but the greatest contribution is from 26 people who lived through it all.

* NEIGHBOURS
Eleven, 6.30pm
Rating: 3/5

HERE'S an alarming statistic: if Karl and Susan get married again, it'll be their fourth wedding. More than Brooke and Ridge on Bold. Although tonight look away if you're eating - Karl only wants to give the honeymoon another crack. And how's Scotty's timing? Cutting Kyle's grass like that, to use a landscaping term. And then Kyle sits there like a shag on a rock while Scotty delivers his speech to Georgia.

* BETTER HOMES & GARDENS,
Channel 7, 7.30pm
Rating: 3/5

CONTINUING their series of interviews with people they find it hard to get access to, Joh manages to speak to Sunrise co-host David Koch. And look through his house. He's made a good investment (tick), but he also has a muscle car (cross). So, says Joh, going in early with an incisive question, would Kochie say Sunrise is easily the best gig on television? Kochie: (reading from autocue) It's easily the best gig.

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Saturday 2 March

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* DAVID ATTENBOROUGH'S AFRICA,
Channel 10, 6.30pm
Rating: 3.5/5

CONGO. Was there ever a more evocative word? Well, yes, obviously. But in geography. All right, Ramsay Street. Technically two words. Another stunning part of Africa tonight belonging to David Attenborough, ranging from the small (bees) to the large (female rock python with 4000 muscles) to the old (the picathartes, a bird that's lived for 44 million years) to the sociable (elephants) to the smart (chimpanzee) and handsome (a gorilla who I'm fairly sure I went out with one time). Fun fact: nowhere gets struck by lightning more than the Congo - 100 million bolts a year.

* PRISONERS OF WAR,
SBS One, 8.35pm
Rating: 4/5

NIMROD maybe wasn't quite ready to put on trousers and sit in an office and pretend to have an advertising job. He's still inclined to go into a reverie followed by the foetal position when he hears certain words. So it's hard to know if he should be allowed access to the internet, but he asks his son to teach him tonight, and he does. He needs to search for a phone number.

* WIVES WITH KNIVES
CI Network, Foxtel, 8.30pm (Qld 7.30pm)
Rating: 3/5

YOU'RE thinking, Wives With Knives - a new team on My Kitchen Rules? Practically. It's a trashy series about women and the men they stabbed. Tonight it's Jamie Czerniawski from New Jersey, who was "beautiful, blonde and bewitching". Or is. She's not dead. Then she marries Charlie. She's a flirt, he's the jealous type, the economy tanked, she bought $300 shoes. Obviously all she could do was stab him.

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Sunday 3 March

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* DOWNTON ABBEY,
Channel 7, 8.40pm
Rating: 3/5

BATES has stopped writing to Anna. She hasn't heard anything on Facebook either. She's so miserable she can't even get caught up in the thrill of the new staff - not even Carson's new footman. About time, Carson had just about killed himself with overwork. Perhaps they should get Edith to be the new kitchen maid. She's going crazy with boredom. Her grandmother gives her a talking to about it tonight. No such issue for Sybil, who suddenly turns up at Downton in a flap, and just in time to have her baby (not tonight though). There was no way this show was having her give birth in Dublin.

* THE BLOCK ALL STARS,
Channel 9, 6.30pm
Rating: 4/5

JOSH and Jenna are still burnt their house didn't sell at auction when they were on The Block. Try to remember the good times, I tell them through the TV in the same tone of voice A.J. used with Tony just before he got shot in the head at the end of The Sopranos. They're doing things differently this time. But what about the judges? Who cares? Unless of course one of the judges plans on buying their house.

* CASTLE,
Channel 7, 9.45pm
Rating: 3/5

SEND the children from the room - Santa Claus has fallen out of the sky and is now dead. Castle says he fell off his sleigh, which is clearly what would've happened after he was shot in the back with a .38. But more worrying is Beckett's refusal to be involved with any of Castle's high-pressure Christmas traditions. But even his glamourpuss mother and clingy daughter are resisting this year. He's close to a breakdown over it.

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Monday 4 March

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* PRIVATE PRACTICE,
Channel 7, 10.45pm
Rating: 3/5

CAN anyone recall who Addison ended up choosing? Or was that one of last season's cliffhangers? It was down to Jake and Sam. Benjamin Bratt versus Taye Diggs. Would there be any complaints if she kept both? It's also Pete's (Violet's husband who they all love) preliminary hearing. Remember, he pulled the plug on a patient? Apparently it's only legal if the government does it. Plus Charlotte's more irate than usual. Special guest star is Alex Rocco, Moe Greene in The Godfather, who got shot through the eye while he was on the massage table when Michael took over the Vegas casinos.

* ALL-STAR CELEBRITY APPRENTICE,
Fox8, 9.30pm (Qld 7.30pm)
Rating: 4/5

THE best bit about this show is everything - apart from Donald Trump obviously - plus where they have to do "mentally challenging" tasks. Undisputed star is Gary Busey, followed by Dennis Rodman, and then, not in order: La Toya Jackson, Lisa Rinna, Stephen Baldwin, Bret Michaels from Poison, Dee Snider from Twisted Sister and Penn Jillette the magician. They're the main ones.

* REVENGE,
Channel 7, 8.45pm
Rating: 4/5

FOR paranoid billionaire criminals, the Graysons are pretty lax with security. Kara Clarke - Emily's mother - wanders in to say hello to Victoria tonight, for the first time in who knows how many years. She recognises Victoria, because Victoria must be like Elle Macpherson and drinks a lot of water and so is ageless. But will she recognise her daughter, who's changed into another woman, like Georgie Parker on Home and Away?

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My Say with Dianne Butler

Scare tactic: Mark (right) and Duncan. Source: Supplied

NOBODY on The Block, Scott Cam is saying in his best least larrikin voice, was prepared for the "sudden departure" of one of their mates.

Sudden departure? Yikes. That sounds like funeral industry code. It isn't. Mark of Mark and Duncan (you'll notice nobody calls them the Two Fat Tradies anymore, especially not now) has had a "health scare". And sure, none of the contestants probably was prepared for it, but we were. Nine showed select grabs of Monday night's episode, including the ambulance, in a "highlights" package at the start of the series.

So far I've only seen Monday night - when it happens - and Tuesday - the aftershock - but Scott Cam says it's too early to say if it was a "full blown heart attack".

My feeling, based on the show's reaction to it, is it isn't. The fact that Nine promoted it, for one thing. You'd like to think if it was a serious heart attack, or any kind of heart attack, Nine would resist using it as an advertising tool. Plus Mark was upright and functioning and managing a therapeutic lager when Nine had a Block PR event in Melbourne last week.

But look, Nine was in a bad spot here.

Pretend nothing had happened and someone hears about it and they look like they're covering it up. And then they'd have to explain why someone who isn't Mark was working on Mark and Duncan's house.

And spoiler alert: the crisis grows on Tuesday when Phil announces he's decided to lend a hand. Phil who can't drive a nail. Phil's the one most affected by Mark's leaving. "All the boys would come down and we'd all have a beer and a chat and all old school stuff, you know?" Phil's saying this to his wife, Amity.

Drinking with friends is old school? Only to Phil. Clearly part of him has died at some point - was it when he got married to Amity? Or when they moved to Adelaide? Either way, he's not the man to help Duncan finish the house. Duncan's wife Jen isn't either. I'm reminded of Scott Cam's interview with Karl Stefanovic the day The Block started, when he said there was no way he'd do The Block with his wife, or with anyone. So Duncan is sat down in front of a large book of photos and asked to go through it and pick a face, the way they do on Law & Order or, I don't know, eHarmony.

Jen finds she has pressing commitments with their children and after a morning of phone calls for her husband it's with no reluctance she takes off her Mitre 10 T-shirt and leaves the set. This show is always an angle grinder away from a law suit. It's amazing nothing really major has happened on it. Of course, it's not over yet.

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My Say with Dianne Butler

US drama series The Following starring Kevin Bacon. Picture: Supplied/Channel 9 Source: Supplied

BY NOW we should be watching The Following, starring Kevin Bacon (pictured), and undergoing a revival of the biggest thing he's ever done, the Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon game.

Let's play a quick round now. Back when Nine had a US series it wasn't afraid to put on air, Matt Le Blanc was in Friends, then that finished and he was in rubbish, then he made a great series, Episodes, which was a million times better than Friends and which Channel 9 treated like it was their ex-wife.

In it with him was James Purefoy, who plays a lady killer in The Following, and who Kevin Bacon arrests before he retires from the FBI.

So his Bacon Number is 1.

You'll love the show. When you finally see it. When I watched it one of Purefoy's followers took her clothes off at a police station and put a cold chisel into her face. I thought it would maybe just take out an eye but no, killed her.

Made that nail gun incident on The Block on Monday night look potentially high stakes, looking back. I have read American Psycho, I know what nail guns are capable of. I kept waiting for Phil (of Phil and Amity) to shoot a nail through his builder's head.

Remember the year Nine started showing Underbelly when the ratings began and then took it off when the Easter break was on?

No. Nobody at Nine does either. It was a monumental cluster mess. This is one of the reasons why we're all sitting around now killing time with Chuck Lorre shows, waiting for Easter.

This is how TV is now though - fewer shows, more often. There's not a whole lot of choice. On television, in plenty of things. Interesting how that's been the big triumph of capitalism and the free market economy.

Where was I? Oh yeah, the oil industry. This is kind of what's happening here. Collusion. It's tacit obviously, but this is an industry that's begging like a homeless person for advertising, and which made up, together, the ratings system to suit themselves. So none of the others is going to take a show out for a run against My Kitchen Rules, just to keep the competition healthy.

Which is why Seven's going ahead and launching Last Resort tonight and Nine isn't launching The Following. Plus Last Resort has one season in it. It didn't get renewed in the US, even though it's got legs for a couple more, I can say with the confidence of someone who's watched the first episode.

I loved it though. It's got everything you need for a big hit show: a submarine, an island like on Lost, nuclear weapons, and My Kitchen Rules on before it.

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- Seven weathers criticism

David Brown is talented, good looking and university trained. We trust him to give our weather reports. Bad move Channel 7.

 - Cath, email

- Reality TV timing is a crime

I am elderly and I'm so sick of cooking shows and other so-called reality shows. How about some good movies.

And I love the crime shows with new episodes on channels 7, 9 and 10. The reality shows have a notorious reputation for running very much over time. Too late for us to watch these crime shows and impossible to tape them not knowing when they are going to start.

- Marge Meddings, email

- It ain't music to my ears

I, too, am adding my voice to the protest against excessively loud background music during television shows. It is about time the producers and sponsors took notice of the irritating effect this has on listeners. I would also support a survey on this issue.

- R, email

-  Joining the loud protest

I have to agree with the complaints about so called background music. If it was in the background maybe it would be OK, but it is so loud it drowns out the dialogue. Because my hearing is not the best, I have no idea what anyone is saying.

- Jean, email

- In the family way or not?

Channel 7 have done it again. After reprising Parenthood before the new series started they put two episodes on and now it has been taken off. Is there any chance of it coming back or have they given up on it altogether?

- Dorothy, email

- Dr Blake passes medical

A big thank you to ABC1 for the Doctor Blake series. Just watched the second episode and I'm very impressed. It tackled a contentious subject with clarity and understanding, well portrayed by the competent cast. Looking forward to many more.

 - Rita, email

- Over the moon about Corrie

A big thank you to Channel 7 for bringing back Coronation Street. It really is one of the most outstanding dramas on TV today. Now all Seven has to do to make my family's viewing complete is to bring back Emmerdale, please. The second-best English drama ever made.

 - Peter, email

-  Elementary errors at work

I always thought of Sherlock Holmes as being tall, debonair and a real gentleman, and certainly not tattooed. Who is this scruffy, unshaven and tattooed freak trying to portray the greatest sleuth of all in Elementary? And Dr Watson has had a sex change. The mind boggles, while Sir Arthur Conan Doyle squirms in his grave.

-  Robert, email
 

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